sol.ace_r

I once wanted to be someone’s light—
someone who quietly sits beside a person
curled up in a dark corner of their room, crying in silence.
Even without a single word,
just being there, bringing warmth.
The kind of person you’d wish existed somewhere in the world.

That was who I wanted to become.
A person who sings of miracles,
who could embrace those who are hurting or weeping.
I believed my reason for existing
was to be that light for someone.

So I put out my own light.
To keep others from falling into darkness,
I let my own darkness remain.
Maybe it wasn’t sacrifice—
maybe it was erasing myself.
My feelings came last,
my pain was something I told myself I could bear.
I only needed to be a good person.
Perhaps, more than anything,
I just wanted to mean something to someone.
I searched for my reason for being outside myself,
while pretending not to see the empty room within me.

But such a life couldn’t last.
Once, twice, and then more often—
I broke down each night.
I cried quietly, alone.
And even while crying, I smiled as if nothing was wrong in front of others.
I thought that was what it meant to be strong.
But it wasn’t.

Now I know—
I needed someone to hold me too.
I wanted to be comforted,
to have someone whose words could untie my heart,
to feel that my existence alone was enough.
That kind of love—
I wanted it too.

I lived for the people I loved.
When they cried, my heart tore first;
when they smiled, my day was complete.
But all the while,
I never looked into my own tears.
Even before those who loved me,
I felt sorry first—
because I thought I was too incomplete
to receive their love fully.

“You who love me, and I who love you—
I’m always thankful, and always sorry.”

That sentence stayed with me.
A tender, aching truth.
To feel gratitude and sorrow at once—
isn’t that proof of love?
The weight of thanks hidden inside thank you,
the quiet sense of lack behind I’m sorry—
all of it was love.

But now, I want to speak with courage.
I no longer wish to live as someone’s shadow.
A life that only shines for others
is too lonely.
I want to shine with you—
to live a life
where we illuminate each other,
where we become one another’s warmth.

I’ve learned I can love
without losing myself.
That even the wounded me
deserves to be loved—
you taught me that.

The words you said—I like you, I love you, I adore you—
slowly melted what had been frozen inside me.
Those words gave me life again.
A feeling that’s pure and good
simply because it’s you.
No words could ever capture it fully,
but I still want to tell you.
And until the moment it reaches you,
I’ll keep singing.
Even if you can’t hear me now,
I believe someday you will.

Love survives when it’s spoken.
So I’ll say it—
I love you.
Not anyone else, but you.
You’ll never know
how much comfort your mere existence brought me,
how many words your silent gaze spoke to me.
That’s why I’m both thankful
and a little sorry.

Sometimes I wonder—
were all those nights I cried alone,
those wordless days I endured,
all leading me to you?
Were those lonely hours
a kind of preparation for this love?
If not for that pain,
I might not have loved you this deeply.

So now, as the person I’ve become,
I confess:

I love you.
With all my heart.
For no reason, no condition.
Just—because it’s you.

And now,
I want to shine with you,
on the same side of the light.